It probably sounds weird to hear me say I miss my father. I mean, I really hardly knew him. Most of my memories are very vague, like fuzzy photographs or still frames of a very old and grainy movie. I can remember certain things he would say all the time, or the way his big warm hands felt when they held mine. I can sometimes, if I try real hard, see his face, but it's blurry and indistinct and I;m to always sure whether I really remember his face or just am piecing together images I've collected that I "think" look like Dad. I've never seen any photos of him-- if Mom had any before she died, they must've been destroyed or hidden or someone else, someone I don't even know has them. So I'm left with these really vague and fading memories, that seem to grow fainter every day.
So maybe it sounds strange to say I miss a man I never really knew. But my foster parents are real distant and formal-- it's like they always want me to remember I'm not really their kid. So the only one who's ever been kind to me is Coogie-- and Maggie at the grill. And Mr. Breiter, my English teacher. But I guess I miss that kindness, that knowing that someone cares about me just because I am related to them. I wonder if I'll ever find my father-- if he even wants to find me. does he ever think about me or is he glad to be gone and away from me?
Note to self-- it's never good to lie awake and ask yourself questions you can't answer.
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