Missing Dad

It probably sounds weird to hear me say I miss my father. I mean, I really hardly knew him. Most of my memories are very vague, like fuzzy photographs or still frames of a very old and grainy movie. I can remember certain things he would say all the time, or the way his big warm hands felt when they held mine. I can sometimes, if I try real hard, see his face, but it's blurry and indistinct and I;m to always sure whether I really remember his face or just am piecing together images I've collected that I "think" look like Dad. I've never seen any photos of him-- if Mom had any before she died, they must've been destroyed or hidden or someone else, someone I don't even know has them. So I'm left with these really vague and fading memories, that seem to grow fainter every day.

So maybe it sounds strange to say I miss a man I never really knew. But my foster parents are real distant and formal-- it's like they always want me to remember I'm not really their kid. So the only one who's ever been kind to me is Coogie-- and Maggie at the grill. And Mr. Breiter, my English teacher. But I guess I miss that kindness, that knowing that someone cares about me just because I am related to them. I wonder if I'll ever find my father-- if he even wants to find me. does he ever think about me or is he glad to be gone and away from me?

Note to self-- it's never good to lie awake and ask yourself questions you can't answer.

Trying to find my father

Well, there's a new twist in my life-- I now know that my father isn't dead, but he just left. That's right-- just decided he didn't want to be around us as a family and refused to come home from work one night. Now how am I supposed to deal with that? especially since I'm an only child. Was it me? I ask inevitably? Did Dad really want a son? Did he not want kids at all? Was I such a cranky child that he couldn't stand to be around me? or is there some other reason I don't know? "Cut him some slack," Coogie tells me, but it's hard to do. Easy for him to say-- he's never known either of his parents and he's gotten used to that. But for me, this is new and I'm having a helluva time adjusting.

One of those days

Note to self: never ever assume your father doesn't care or isn't paying attention to what you do because as sure as you assume that, he'll surprise you by noticing-- at the worst possible moment.

Dad's expert at this. he'll go for weeks and not pay any attention to me, to what time I get home from school or anything. Then suddenly, he'll start clock watching and timing my bike ride home and asking em all kind of parental questions, like why am I late and who was I with and why am I out of breath and what happened to my bike tire? Like he cares about these things normally. Oh, no. But as soon as something important comes up, something I have or want to do, he's all over it. And I usually end up grounded.